Hangin’ with The King

Once bitten, twice shy. The last fast food biscuit write up was the atrocious Hardees experience, which you can catch up on here if you like. Because of this, I approached this one with great trepidation. The locale was a somewhat isolated Burger King, which contributed to my concerns. Despite having received a recent facelift, this location sits in the parking lot of a real bummer of a shitty shopping center.

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Home of the Whopper…and hot dogs…and fried Cheetos branded snacks

Another reason I’m suspicious is that me and the King have a tumultuous relationship (rodeo burger aside, that was my jam in 1999). The roots of my doubt are tied to the fact that in 1989, in the height of turtle-mania, at a Burger King that still stands in Raleigh NC, I sold all future rights to happy-meal toys for a single shot at a TMNT kid’s meal. Coming fresh off of their Alf puppet run (I had “Cookin’ with Alf”, he came with a 45 you could play an awful song off of), I believed that the BK Kids Club was where it was at, and their TMNT line would be amazing.

Kids Club? Sure! (said 7 year old me)
Kids Club? Sure! (said 8 year old me)
Cookin' with Alf was, and still is amazing
Cookin’ with Alf was, and still is amazing

My father was an ardent non-believer in kid’s meals. They’re a rip-off you see, wasteful and overpriced, (spoken like a real life Burgermeister Meisterburger). He made me promise that if he got me this one BK TMNT kid’s meal that I would no longer be allowed to get a kid’s meal…ever again. You would think this was a just ruse to get a kid to shut up….NOPE.

THERE WILL BE NO MORE!
THERE WILL BE NO MORE!
After this hunk of garbage, I can see why...
After this hunk of garbage, I can see why…

I traded my BK Kids club membership in for a Raphael toothbrush holder, and my world was never the same again. It was sooooo lame. I feigned excitement all the way home, put it in the bathroom, and immediately realized the error of what I had done. Surely, he would forget and I could get back on the kid’s meal wagon some day…NOPE. NEVER AGAIN. I even recall being out with my grandmother, and little brother later, and she would ask if I wanted a happy meal here or there, and out of the knowledge that the big man meant business, the response was always “I’m not allowed”. I was so afraid of breaking this rule, that I adhered to it for the rest of my childhood – full disclosure, I had a pretty great childhood, and was not wanting for toys, only kid’s meals…and I am aware of how ridiculous it is to lament such an experience.

…but I digress…

On THIS morning, I went with the standard bacon egg and cheese biscuit, presented by a man so courteous, professional, and enthused I thought he may be a lord or at least knight in the court of the Burger King. Turns out he was just a normal dude, working the drive through, but I was given my breakfast with such aplomb that I knew, this would not be a repeat of the Hardees incident. At about 2” tall by 3” wide, the breakfast delight appeared of average stature. Of note was its golden (not unlike the Burger King’s crown) buttery exterior, and yellow viscously melty cheese running forth over healthy cuts of bacon that appeared as that of the homemade variety (the eggs just kind of looked like eggs). It was a site to behold.

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The wrapper was surprisingly greasy compared to the biscuit itself, I suspect that this was a product of the bacon, and not a big deal…because this was a good biscuit. I will say that the consistency was a liiiittle doughy, so as far as fast food biscuits, McDonald’s has it beat, but compared to Hardees, it’s amazing.

Truly, this was fit for a king, or at least a nobleman, or a guy running late to work who didn’t eat breakfast before leaving.

See you next time,

Charlie Mewshaw