Eat Like You Mean It…or dont…whatever

Sometimes in life you can never go back.

Hardee’s breakfast will always have a special place in my heart, in no small part because of their California Raisin figurine campaign from the late 80’s. I loved those little guys. As a child I was told that you could only get them from Hardee’s at breakfast time, and only if you ordered a cinnamon-raisin biscuit. This may or may not have actually been the case, it may have been a way of preventing me from asking if we could stop at Hardee’s every time we passed one. Needless to say, as a 7-8 year old, getting yourself to fast food in time for breakfast (let alone procuring money to purchase anything with) is a daunting task, so in my mind, I was S.O.L. Whether or not the breakfast bit was true, my parents somehow managed to collect me a fine lineup of California Raisin’s, or as I called them “raisin men”.

I stole these off the grape vine...or Google image search, either way, these are the guys I remember.
I stole these off the grape vine…or Google image search, either way, these are the guys I remember.

Given my predisposition for bending to nostalgia, I recently took an excited visit to a Hardee’s for breakfast only to sadly find that unlike the McDonalds biscuit review, sometimes you can never go home. With garish signage imploring me to “eat like you mean it”, promises of “new thick cut bacon”, and the continued existence of ::gasp:: the fabled cinnamon-raisin biscuit, I was entranced by the Hardees siren song.

Whoaaaa...
Whoaaaa…
THEY STILL MAKE THESE?!?!?!
THEY STILL MAKE THESE?!?!?!
How can I say no to this face?!
How can I say no to this face?!

I decided that I was going to go big. I opted for the chicken, egg, and bacon biscuit with swiss cheese. It looked gargantuan, it promised “thick cut bacon”, it had a novel cheese, it called to me in a way that I hadn’t realized was possible from a sandwich. I was moved by its visage, inspired to achieve greatness. So inspired was I that, that caution was thrown to the wind, and a cinnamon-raisin biscuit was added to my order as well! If was going to consume a caloric intake more appropriate for a 48 hour period in one sitting anyways, why skimp?

My first impressions were that the chicken biscuit was enormous, and that the biscuit looked a little wimpy/broken up. Measuring in at 5″ wide (tip to tip on the NJ shaped piece of chicken) and a smushed 2″ tall, this was one serious sandwich.

njchix
The chicken looks like Jersey!

2inchtall fromtiptotip5Unfortunately, the chicken turned out to be way too over-breaded (even for fast food fried chicken), too salty, and too greasy. The bacon was sad, pathetic, burnt up bits, and absolutely not the stuff represented in the pictures. There was a lot of egg, so that was cool, and the novelty of swiss cheese instead of the standard American or cheddar was cool. Tragically, not even the biscuit itself was good. It was a greasy, crumbly, overcooked mess. Biscuiteers, I must confess that I didn’t even finish it. It was that bad.

It falls apart if you look at it too hard...
It falls apart if you look at it too hard…
Look at this sad-sack bullshit!
Look at this sad-sack bullshit!

I ran to my cinnamon-raisin, icing covered biscuit hoping for some redemption…alas, it also did not live up to my expectations. It was probably 3.5″ wide, and not too tall (1.5-2″).

Redemption?
Redemption?

It was really soft, almost cake-like in texture…like Duncan Hines box cake (which I love…chocolate cake with white icing and a little bit of red crystalized sugar sprinkled on top for color and added texture…so gooood). It had a TON of icing on it, but only like two sad little raisins hidden in it. It was too sweet for my liking, but went alright with a nice black coffee.

raisin
Hello raisins my old friend
noraisin
ONE RAISIN?! ONE. RAISIN.

Thanks to the excessive icing here, and the excessive salt from prior I do believe that there was a possibility that my blood pressure was now through the roof, AND I had just developed diabetes. In the end, to Hardees I say: I’ll start “eating like I mean it” when you start making food like you mean it. Maybe I’ll try a different location down the line…maybe.

Shut up.
Shut up.

This was a let-down. At least I’ll always have the raisin men…actually, no I wont, I dont know what happened to them. I hope that they’re in a box somewhere to be discovered down the road.

Your host,

Charlie Mewshaw